I have had a wonderful holiday and an amazing year. I started feeling sentimental yesterday about the wonderful things my family and I have experienced – one of which is a new baby on the way.
As a farewell to 2011, here are some final looks. With my overseas travels this fall, I missed sharing some good ones. Alas, any working mom knows that you can’t do it all. But you can come pretty close.
Happy New Years.
I haven’t confessed anything in a while, so here are the contents of a recent carry-on bag, which incidentally was a canvas LL Bean tote with so many inside pockets, it would be a fantastic diaper bag (and, in fact, was perfect for stashing boarding passes and IDs).
1. Smashbox Limitless Lip Stain and Color Seal Balm in Sangria
2. Pink Crocs I picked up at the Minneapolis airport, which looked huge but are in fact correctly sized, and now I have to ship them back… arg!
3. Tokyomilk Perfume no. 10 Everything and Nothing
4. A nerdy quarterly magazine put out by the International Legal Technology Association
5. Delta Sky Magazine I hauled home to show my husband an article about Ralph Lauren’s car collection
6. A license to wear heels in Carmel (may have to explain later)
7. iPhone and iPad
8. Audio Technica noise reduction headphones
9. Bag of Swedish Fish for my husband
10. Ivory cashmere pashmina, which doubles as a travel blanket and a scarf
11. A plastic fork (just in case)
12. Brookstone multi charger in a clear Ziplock baggie so I don’t have to dump everything out looking for the iPhone connector
And, by the way, this post took so long to put together that (1) I really hope you liked it, (2) I am amazed that some bloggers do this every day, and (3) it may be a while before I have another confession to make…!
Once, I asked a co-worker what he thought of another. He said that the co-worker was “likeable” but did not necessarily come across as competent. That has always stuck with me.
I have wondered if women especially rely too much on their likeability and overestimate it as a perceived value add in an organization. I remember having coffee with a mentee, and she told me that a client recently demanded that she work on a particular project, and she wanted to know how she could translate that kind of client feedback into a promotion. I asked her why she thought that the client singled her out, and she gave me an answer that made me cringe: She is likeable and easy to work with. And my reaction? That cannot be number one on your list or even the top three. There has to be another reason that the client picks her out of a sea of other associates.
I received this feedback once myself. And I was dumbfounded that being likeable and easy to work made the list of top things I did well. In fact, it stung.
I am not saying that you should be a jerk. There are studies are that being likeable opens doors and is often a precursor to success. But while being likeable may get someone to talk to you at a mixer or conference, but its not going to be the “it” factor that prompts that person to call you with a project or want to connect on “Linked In.” There has to be something more, like an area of expertise you have cultivated or that you are particularly sharp and on top of it.
And this is where I see women in particular get tripped up. Maybe when women first entered the workforce, being “nice” to work with was helpful or even necessary. But today, being liked alone does nothing to advance your career, and it’s time to stop giving it more credibility than it has – particularly with men.
Instead, if you want to move up the ladder, it helps to develop an objective understanding of where you truly add value to an organization:
– Are you good at spotting fat and saving costs?
– Are you naturally intuitive and consistently provide on-spot advice to your clients regarding market trends?
– Are you the maverick or zealous advocate who can effectively challenge your group to avoid its blindspots or weaknesses?
– Are you a natural leader and inspire your team members and reports while still managing their weaknesses?
– Are you lightning fast in responding to questions or project requests?
– Are you a rainmaker?
– Are you the workerbee?
In fact, what do you do that your clients cannot live without? They can live without someone being nice; other people who work for them are probably nice. But they can’t live without someone who makes them a lot of money or has a high degree of technical competence, which in turn, makes them a lot of money.
So, from now on, I hope that you cringe when your review focuses on your the fact that you are nice to work with. That should only be the beginning of an amazing experience, not a top “three” adjectives in the first paragraph of your retirement bulletin.
I am been thinking about renaming the blog again… to Workaholic, Shopaholic. Emphasis on the working. It’s about all I have had time for — even my shopping is suffering to the point where I barely have time to pick up milk at the grocery store.
But in the good ol’ days, you’re shopping along, and a little lovely calls you name. Maybe it’s lovely AND on sale. No matter the price, it is still called impulse shopping. If you do that enough, it can have disastrous consequences for your pocketbook and your ability to get dressed in the morning. Nothing actually goes well together, you are tired of wearing the same thing over and over, and instead of work clothes, you have a lot of fun go out clothes… and no time to go out. The worst part, however is that you find yourself, years later, managing a bunch of clothes that never quite worked and you did not like that much anyway. And you have to re-live it when someone like me comes over to help you sort through piles of it.
To combat this, I have had to construct for myself and my style clients a checklist of reasons you should not complete that impulse purchase. Here are my top FIVE:
1. You cannot (quickly, on the spot) think of at least three occasions to wear it. (Translation: even if you love it, cost per wearing is too high.)
2. You cannot think of three ways to style it. (This means the piece is too specific – such as a loud floral silk dress with a short hemline. See below.)
3. You cannot wear it to work. (Think about it – if you work, then 70-80% of your wardrobe should be work appropriate.)
4. It doesn’t fit to a “T” – or it cannot be altered to fit your frame perfectly.
5. It is not you. It’s your mom… or your best friend… or a blogger. But it’s not you.
Ultimately, you should only buy what you love and what you need. But even if it is one or both, if it fails the FIVE factor test above, move on. Your future closet will thank you.
There is a joke on the website called Stuff White People Like that you should know when a white person is not at work because they are wearing outdoor performance clothes. ( My husband thinks this is particularly funny because when he isn’t in a suit, he wears the same red technical jacket Fall through Spring.)
Which brings me to my question for the week. A work-from-home mom asked me recently what else she can wear around the house besides yoga pants. (Apparently, she is getting a little sick of her outdoor performance outfit.) My choice is a plain jane white shirt. It’s crisp, classic, and comfortable. And she can step outside of the house at a moment’s notice feeling clean and chic.
A white shirt may seem boring, but it is incredibly versatile. It goes with any pair of shoes in your closet, and you can accessorize it with a statement necklace or a scarf. It cuts across socio-economic status and age groups. College Fashion has a great post at different ways to wear a white shirt. My favorite is to pair it with a pair of capri pants or stretchy skinny jeans and ballet flats.
My go-to white shirt is a fitted one by Theory that I bought five or six years ago that has a little stretch and is soft from wear. At $170, it has to be a go to piece, and it is. It is the one thing over the years that I can switch from work to non-work flawlessly.
“And what about stress relief?” This question popped up during a consultation with my doctor while were discussing how much exercise and sleep I was getting. Confessions of a Shopaholic kind of wrecked my ability to joke about my shopping habit, so I gave the more socially acceptable answer – “Yoga.”
Even Coco Chanel recognized that fashion or style is not just about clothes, it is everywhere, including how you carry and how you feel about yourself. My lawyer friend, Lisa, has been a Yoga advocate for years. She even took a break from her legal practice to work and study in an ashram for a month. Now she is living the dream by opening her own yoga studio in downtown Chicago called Dragonfly Yoga.
What I find the most interesting about what she is doing is this concept called LegalYoga. In essence, it is a no excuse, I-will-come-to-you, busy downtown professional so you can take a breather from you high stress profession on your schedule. I don’t know if the best trial lawyer on a planet would be able to argue with that. (Which is the point…!) The other concept I really like is the “No Sweat Series” that doesn’t require a shower but gives you that stress relief that is oh-so-fashionable.
If you happen to be in Chicago, you like yoga, and you like FREE, then you are in luck because Dragonfly Yoga is hosting an open house today, and all classes are in fact free. Here is a class schedule and a map is below. And now you have a great answer when a medical professional asks you about stress relief. Whew.
During my robbery-induced blogging vacation, I had a lot of time to think about whether I wanted to or could continue blogging. (As I mentioned several months ago, I have a new set of job responsibilities that are exciting and time consuming, leaving me very little time to squeeze in a post five days a week.) Needless to say, I chose to continue because I love writing and having a non-lawyerly outlet for expression… As a new mom, I love being part of the mom blogging community… And I love style and believe it never has to be sacrificed because you are a lawyer or other conservative professional or because you are a mom. But by the same token, the time demands if you are a mom working outside the home are tremendous, and time spent on yourself has to be balanced accordingly. It’s a challenge, and I have always loved a challenge, this being no different.
Blogging is a competitive sport. You want to provide excellent content, and that practically necessitates a degree in photography, as well as editing, Photoshopping, writing, organization, and oh, yes, for a fashion blogger, staying up on the trends and the other fashion bloggers, on top of a Tim-worthy editorial eye. You can’t help but admire the top bloggers in your field and strive to emulate them.
Not that I am blaming these blogs for their amazing content – the fact is that they are the gold standard, but it’s silly if you can’t stop and recognize that many of them are doing this for a living as their job – not in addition to. (See, I am casting off the Plague of Perfectionism by leaving a preposition at the end of the sentence!) And if you aren’t advertising or using your blog as a source of income – but you are pressuring yourself to provide magazine worthy content in the 15-20 minutes you can steal in the morning or at night, you have lost perspective.
As I was walking across the parking lot, I was thinking about how I need to spiff up the background of my Office Mommy pics – like how Cupcakes and Cashmere or Employed Panache have interesting outdoor backgrounds – and when I am going to find time to truly learn Photoshop and how hard would it be just to at least change the color instead, and when and how and when and how…. STOP! That’s when it it occurred to me yesterday that I may never have time to change the background from a white sheet to something fantastically more interesting. I may never have the time to even install the latest version of Photoshop, much less take a class in it. Jeez. So much pressure.
And then another thought occurred to me. Without realizing it, the content of this blog has moved from speaking to women like me who want advice about managing all of their different life’s roles – albeit with a little panache – to what could be perceived as a “look at me!” “I’ve got it down!” “Now, you have to try these things or buy these things so you can be happy, too!” type-message. Yikes.
So, I am taking a break from my editorial calendar (yes, Cassie, I have one – well sort of, in my head) to get real about The Plague of Perfection, an affliction that many of us suffer from and state, plainly, that I don’t have any handy tips or quick fixes or suggestions for you to buy something that will eliminate the Plague. I think it is enough to recognize it’s easy to get sucked into it, and but it provides zero value to you as a person. That is especially hard to recognize when you have a professional office job that demands minute attention to detail, aka perfection. But, when you walk out the door, you have to let it go.
You especially do not have to give it permission to rain guilt on you when you DO work late because you aren’t spending time with your child. (Or you are getting your hair cut, so you aren’t spending time with your husband and child(ren)). Or because your are home with your child, you have to spend every one of her waking moments playing with her or reading to her.
Hey – ever watch that movie, Babies? Those women in Africa weren’t holding up educational flash cards to their 18 month old or following them from room to room to find Stella the doll so you can cart her around in the baby stroller. Those women are (prepare yourself….!) W-O-R-K-I-N-G. The other kids were entertaining the baby. Or the baby was playing with a stick in the dirt or popping a rock in his mouth. And, everyone was happy.
So, the post today is both my confession – and my call – to all of you ladies to let it go. Take your foot off your neck. And if you are really jammed, but you still want to have it all, including that high stress career, then if you have the means, you have my permission to hire a great nanny, bribe your retired mother in law to cook for you once or twice a week, and go get that pedicure once a month on a Saturday morning sans guilt.
In fact, give your self permission to take a break from The Plague at least a couple of times a week. If you will do that, I will refocus the blog on ways we can manage these issues together. And, yes, I will still post the Office Mommy – but it will probably include the white fabric backdrop and not a cool picture of Melrose Ave. And for today, I am okay with that.
Dear JHS,
Question about closet organization:
I have retired from the business world and have, over the years accumulated a large amount of stuff in my closet. In fact, I can hardly squeeze through the mass of clothes, shoes, boxes of memorabilia, etc. I really don’t want to rent a storage unit due to cost and inconvenience. I am getting desperate to find a solution as I don’t know where to start. It is on my mind constantly to the point that is starting to affect my social life in that I talk about little else. In addition, I have to admit that I have been hitting the sauce (Grey Goose) a little more than usual and I know that is not good for me. Any help you can offer will be greatly appreciated.
Yours,
Albert
Dear Albert,
I told one of my friends yesterday that I don’t know what I would do without my job. If for no other reason than I don’t do casual, and I would have invested heavily in work clothes I no longer need. We both seemed to be at a loss for what we would actually wear day to day. Seriously, can you wear a Chanel jacket to run to the store for milk?
Aside the practical realities (and money down the drain), I have discovered that people, especially men, have a suppressed emotional attachment to their clothes. Even when a client seems unaffected by the lifestyle change itself, like a woman who has birthed three babies, woe to the person who tries to toss their size 0 Guess jeans from college.
Once, I cleaned out the closet of a stay at home mom who had been a TV personality – over 10 years before. When I found her stash of lipstick red suits from the late ’80s, she suddenly became defensive and claimed she was hoping to pass them on to her then four-year-old daughter. I let her keep the red suit because of her visceral reaction. But I did convince her to part with the forest green wool Kasper number with faux paisley scarf stitched on the shoulder, and I took that as a victory.
Just like my client, your lifestyle has changed. And it may not be just the clutter that’s giving you anxiety. But I’m no shrink – you have the Grey Goose for that – so I’ll stick with the organization piece.
Good closet management is all about matching your closet to your lifestyle. But first, you must face the change. Just follow the JHS Five Step Method:
1. On a Saturday or Sunday around 11:00 am, get out your bottle of Grey Goose. Meter out a couple of ounces. Pour into a cold glass of orange juice. (According to the movies, this also works well just before you open your credit card statements.)
2. Start grouping your clothes by item type. Suits on one rack, dress shirts on another, pants, etc. Be sure to separate the casual and from the biz casual/dressy. This may take a while, depending on the state of things, but no drink refills yet. You need all of your wits and willpower for the next step.
3. Now that you know how much you have from each group, you must decide what must go. This is where the lifestyle part comes in. Let’s say you have 10 suits. If you are retired, but you still do some consulting from time to time, you cannot and should not pitch all of your suits. Plus, if you are older, you’ll probably be making the funeral circuit more often. Keep three or four of your nicest suits. Pull the rest, and throw on your bed. You probably also don’t need thirty-five white shirts. Pull out 25 of them. (Here is more on how to do closet math.) Still need help deciding?
– If you love it – it makes you feel good or look good – keep it.
– If it is a quality basic – like a cashmere black crewneck – keep it.
– If it screams of any era other than 2010, pitch it.
– If it needs to be mended or altered, pitch it.
– If you can picture the item better off with a person in need, remove it.
– And if you haven’t worn it in the last year, definitely let it go.
4. Take a shot of vodka. Job well done.
5. Get on your iPad and look up your local chapter of Dress for Success. If you don’t have one and you are a woman, look up the local battered women’s shelter. If you are a man, look up the nearest Goodwill. Call, schedule delivery, and submit the receipt to your accountant. Or wait until you are sober. It will probably go better.
Congratulations and good luck!
Regards,
JHS
I rarely regret letting go of a item from my closet. In fact, I’ve only beaten myself up about getting rid of two dresses. One beautiful Nicole Miller black and nude lace dress I had when I was 22 (that I could never wear again mind you) and this: the Tart Infinity Dress that I owned in a gorgeous teal green color. The Infinity Dress is a comfortable jersey knit dress that can be styled in (almost) infinite ways – or at least 8 according to Tart. It’s easy to pack, fun to wear, and if there is one thing I learned when dressing a pregnant belly, anything that wraps or drapes is very forgiving.
Here’s the deal killer: it’s normally $258 retail, and it’s on sale now at Gilt for $99. Don’t have an invite to join Gilt.com? Voila. You ask and you receive. That’s how we roll at JHS.
There is a relatively new phenomenon in the blogging world called “fashion hauling”. Essentially, the blogger posts a video showing her fashion “haul” from her latest shopping trip. I thought the concept was kind of goofy at first, but after I saw one, I decided it was a fun concept. So, we at JHS are going to give it a whirl. Let me know what you think – and specifically, if you would like to see another one.
Here is my Spring Summer Fashion Haul and some reasons why I chose what I did when shopping for my post-baby work wardrobe.
